Cranked!
by 42 Zombies
Summary: Someone is crankcalling random shinobi! How long until he gets killed?
1. Naruto Gets Cranked

**Naruto Gets Cranked**

_Author's Notes: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. Wait… do they even have phones in this world? They do now!_

* * *

The phone rang, interrupting Naruto in the middle of an eerily good bowl of ramen. With a sigh, Naruto got up and picked up the phones. "Hello?" He answered.

"Yes, is this the Nay-rudo?" The person on the other end asked. "This is an automated voice-message system, not a person."

"I don't need summon insurance!" Naruto insisted. "This phone call is not about summon insurance." The person said stiffly, like a computer. "We are calling to see if you are interested in the title of Hokage. If you are, please press or say 'Yes'."

"Yeah!" Naruto said excitedly. "Sign me up!"

"You have agreed to never becoming Hokage." The person said. "If this is what you wanted, please press or say 'Hell yeah'."

"What?!" Naruto realized in shock. "What the hell are you talking about?! You asked me if I wanted to be Hokage!"

"This agreement is final and law-binding." The person said. "You have agreed and are now barred from ever becoming Hokage. If you change your mind, please go to the Akatsuki headquarters and let them capture you."

"The Akatsuki?!" Naruto repeated in shock. "Who is this?! I have caller ID, you know!" "No, you don't." "Yes I do! I'm looking at it right now!" "No, you're not." "Look, my phone has caller ID!" "That's not your phone."

"I will kill you!" Naruto yelled angrily. "No, you won't." "Stop doing that!" "No, you're not." "That doesn't even make sense!"

In pure anger, Naruto slammed the phone down, hanging up. He knew he had just been crank called. But he was certain of one thing and one thing only; he would have his revenge.


	2. Orochimaru Gets Cranked

**Orochimaru Gets Cranked**

* * *

Orochimaru sneaked into his own bedroom wearing a dress. "Man, I hope Kabuto doesn't see me in this." He said to himself. "That kid's unbalanced enough as it is."

Suddenly, the phone rang. Orochimaru looked at it in a knowing horror. He walked over to it in fear and picked it up. "H-Hello?" He asked fearfully.

"Do you like scary movies?"

"Who is this?!" Orochimaru asked in fear. "Nice dress." The person on the other end of the phone mocked. "Who is this?!" Orochimaru asked again.

"I know what you did last summer!"

"That doesn't make any sense!" Orochimaru panicked.

"Your _face_ won't make sense when I'm done with it!"

"Are you a Hobbit?" Orochimaru asked in terror. "Your _mom's_ a Hobbit." The voice said sinisterly. "How do you know that?!" Orochimaru asked.

"Seven days." The voice threatened.

"Look, I didn't _know_ the video was cursed!" Orochimaru pleaded. "Can't you let this one slip?!" "My blade will slip your throat!" "Don't you mean 'slit'?" "The call is coming from inside the house."

"Are you Satan?!" Orochimaru asked in fear. "Your mother plays card games in Hell!" The voice declared.

"Leave me be, you devil!" Orochimaru ordered. He tossed the phone across the room and tossed a kunai at it. He sat down on his bed and began panting in fear and terror.

"Lord Orochimaru!" A voice yelled from outside the door. Kabuto ran into the room. "I heard you—OH, DEAR GOD! WHY ARE YOU IN A DRESS?!"

"Kabuto, it's not what it looks like!" Orochimaru insisted. He looked at the now-kunai'd phone angrily. "This is all _your_ fault!" He hissed angrily. Quickly, he spat out the Long Grass Blade and began killing the phone.


	3. Sasuke Gets Cranked

**Sasuke Gets Cranked**

_Author's Notes: This was the most-requested cranking. That is, it was the only one. Still, if you're the only one who asks, you shall receive!_

* * *

"And that's why I think that Kisame's a minion of Khorne." Suigetsu finished explaining to Sasuke. The two were in a forest, keeping watch while Jugo and Karin slept. "Why am I talking to you?" Sasuke wondered out loud.

Suddenly, there was a ringing noise. Sasuke sighed irritably and stood up. He walked to one of the trees and opened a secret panel, revealing a phone. He picked it up and answered it. "I'm not taking my shirt off!" He insisted angrily.

"Sasuke, this is the ghost of Deidara!" The voice on the other end said. For some reason it sounded like a high-pitched, AAVE voice. "I just wanted to say that me and a bunch of hell-demons is plannin' to steal your soul while you sleep!"

"You're not Deidara." Sasuke pointed out. "Where's your high-pitched yet decidedly masculine voice?"

"Uh, did I say Deidara?" The voice asked, quickly changing to an emotionless voice. "I meant to say Itachi… your brother."

"Hey, Sasuke, is it for me?" Suigetsu asked.

"Itachi?!" Sasuke believed gullibly and OOCily. "Yes; that one." The voice confirmed. "I just wanted to say that I'm about to shoot myself just so you can't kill me."

"Hello? Is it for me or not?"

"You bastard!" Sasuke spat angrily. However, he soon remembered something. "We don't have guns!"

"Come on! Is it for me?!"

"Oh, shit; I meant stab myself to death." The voice quickly corrected. "With a kunai, or perhaps a katana." "Whoever this is, I'm going to kill you as soon as I find you." Sasuke threatened angrily.

"DAMN YOU, SASUKE; IS IT FOR ME OR NOT?!"

There was a click on the other end; they had hung up. Sasuke calmly put the phone back on the receiver and proceeded to destroy it with the Chidori.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. "Was it for me?" Suigetsu asked finally.

* * *

Author's Notes: _Who will be his next victim?!_


	4. Choji Gets Cranked Like Crazy

**Choji Gets Cranked Like Crazy**

_Author's Notes: I've gotta say that, for some reason, this idea appealed to me the most. Anyways, enjoy the heck out of it._

* * *

Choji put the top piece of bread on his ridiculously tall sandwich. He had put everything he could find in it; tomatoes, pork, curry, pork, eggs, eggs, eggs, and chopped carrots.

Suddenly, something in the sandwich began ringing. Choji reached into the sandwich and pulled out a cordless phone. "How'd that get in there?" He asked himself as he answered the phone.

"Hello, Mr. Choji." A voice said on the other end. "This is Ima Weiner, calling for the United Sumo Wrestler's Club." "The USWC?" Choji repeated, clearly impressed.

"Yes; we're very real." The voice confirmed. "Anyways, we were calling to see if you were interested in becoming our president… you know, 'cause you're so fat."

"What did you just call me?!" Choji yelled in anger. "Well, since you're so fat, we were wondering if you'd be our president." The voice explained. "We've made sure to widen all of the doors and strengthen the floors so you don't fall through them, what with your extreme girth."

"I should kill you!" Choji yelled in pure rage. "You can't, on account of you being so fat." The voice said. "How you be so fat, man?"

"I'm going to crush you!" "With your fat?" "Y-No! With my _muscles!_" "Your _fat_ muscles."

"Naruto told me all about you!" Choji said angrily. "I kept telling myself 'It won't happen to me; I'm too smexy.'" "Smexy and fat."

"This is what I think of your insults!" Choji yelled as he crammed the phone back in the sandwich and began devouring it.

From that day forward, whenever he was hungry, his stomach would ring.


	5. Jiraiya Probably Gets Cranked

**Jiraiya Probably Gets Cranked**

* * *

"Let's see here…" King Yama said as he read from Jiraiya's list of sins. "Jiraiya… hmm… well, your major sins are peeping…" 

"Research." Jiraiya corrected.

"Groping women's breasts…"

"Checking to see if they were healthy." Jiraiya pointed out.

"Child abuse…"

"I was _training _Naruto." Jiraiya stressed. "That's why I pushed him into a chasm! I-I wasn't _actually_ trying to kill him!"

"Well, with these sins, I'm afraid you can only get into upper-lower Heaven." Yama explained. "Maybe if you weren't such a friggin' perv—."

The phone on Yama's desk suddenly rang. He picked it up and answered it. "It's for you, Jiraiya."

Jiraiya took the phone and put it to his ear. "Hello?" He answered. "Uh… is this Jiraiya?" A nasally voice asked over the phone. "Yes, why?" Jiraiya asked.

"We just wanted to let you know that some blonde kid has taken over writing your book series." The voice said. "His name's Narutoo or something. Anyways, he's writing the books in your name."

"That's nice of Naruto." Jiraiya observed. "Yeah, not really." The voice argued. "You see, all he's really writing about is ramen. He's ruining your dead name."

"What?!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "I just happen to have a copy right here." The voice nasal-ed. "It says… 'Torikkusuta slurped away at a bowl of ramen. His hair was brown—brown as ramen broth. His eyes were as green as the onions you put in ramen. He was eating ramen, too. Suddenly, a girl wearing nothing but a dress made from bowls of ramen—.'"

"ENOUGH!" Jiraiya yelled as he tossed the phone aside and, seeing a near by Shinigami, grabbed a black book from him. Jiraiya pulled out a pen and began feverishly writing in the book.

A few seconds later, Naruto fell from the sky, having drowned in a bowl of ramen. "What just happened?!" He yelled in shock.

Jiraiya heard laughter from the phone. It was only too late that he realized he had fallen for a crank-call and, as a recite, killed Naruto and made a Death Note reference all in one moment!

"I'm going to Hell for this, aren't I?" Jiraiya asked King Yama. "Under normal circumstances, yes…" King Yama explained. "But since you helped my daughter finally lose her virginity, I'm willing to let it slide."

"Hooray!" Jiraiya cheered as a trapdoor opened in the ceiling, sucking him up into upper-lower Heaven.

"What about me?" Naruto asked. "I got killed!"

"I could care less!" King Yama exclaimed. "I'm the King of Hell, not the King of Who-Gives-A—"

* * *

IN MEMORY OF JIRAIYA

CHAPTER 90—CHAPTER 383


	6. Hinata Gets Cranked, I Guess

Hinata Gets Cranked I Guess

**Hinata Gets Cranked I Guess**

_Author's Notes: Oh, you thought there were no more Cranks but there's a Crank!_

* * *

"I-I just don't see why we cut away from the fight." Hinata complained into the Hyuga Family Phone. "I think people wanted to see Kisame fight the water guy. A-And I'm sorry if this seems rude, Kishimoto-san, b-but do you think why do you keep making Sasuke stronger? S-shouldn't you—"

_Beep!_

Hinata swallowed nervously. "I'm sorry. I-I have another call."

She pushed the button on the phone and answered it. "Um… h-hello?"

"Yes, Hinata? This is… Johnen Vasquez." A voice said on the other end. "The genius behind such hits as _Johnny the Homicidal Maniac_ and _Invader Zim_?"

"H-How did you get this n—" "That's not important." The voice said hastily. "Anyways, I'm just calling to tell you that I'm thinking of putting you in one of my future works."

Hinata's eyes widened in excitement. "R-Really?" "Yes, yes. All you have to do is run outside and grab Naruto by the crotch. Yeah, that's it."

The kunoichi was silent for a few seconds. "W-wait a minute… I've never even heard of Johnen—"

"You're a crazy stalker bitch! BYE!"

The other end hung up suddenly, leaving Hinata very confused. "A-Another Sakura fan? How do they keep calling me?"

* * *

Author's Notes: _Next time, the crank caller will be impersonating Sasuke and will call Sakura telling her he loves her! OH, THE WIT!_

…_Wait, that's not clever._


End file.
